How You Know When You Have Found "The One"

By Graham "GSM" Matthews

How do you know when you've found "the one?" Well, you'll just know. I could end the article right there, but it might be too brief, so allow me to elaborate. People will go their entire lives trying to find "the one," and there are those who couldn't care less. Meanwhile, there are also others who want to find that special someone, yet that isn't their primary focus at the moment. That's the category I fell into for a long time. And notice how I used the past tense. I'll describe in more detail momentarily.

To me, there is a distinct difference between finding "the one" and simply finding a relationship to be in. Being with "the one" is your idea of being someone that you want to spend the rest of your life with. Someone you would want to be in a long-term relationship with and isn't the flavor of the month. Someone that you think completes you, or at least accepts you complete. Again, I'll get into how you know deep down whether or not that person is the one for you (and the criteria is different for everyone), but there are people who are content being with someone they find attractive and/or are interested in and nothing more, and that's totally fine.

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I've discussed this before in past posts, so I don't want to go too in-depth, but you will never need someone to make you happy. You may think you need a significant other in order to be happy, but you can create happiness all on your own. Obviously, it's easier for some more than others, but it depends what your personality type is. If you constantly need to be around people so you don't feel lonely (and that's not a bad thing), then you probably are always on the lookout for a potential partner. If you're more independent and like doing your own thing (like yours truly), you may be happy putting your love life on the back burner for now while you focus on other endeavors that you also enjoy.

That was the case with me for the past few years. Following a few failed relationships in 2011, I decided by early 2012 that I didn't need anyone else to make me happy and that I'd stay single. And what's I did. I had a handful of mild interests here and there in recent years, but never anything serious. Nothing that if it didn't work out or if there wasn't anything else to explore, I didn't stress out about it. I just went back to the way things were and nothing changed. I was happy walking my own path. But it's difficult to go back to the way things used to be when you've met someone you know without a shadow of a doubt is the one for you.

I'll preface the next few paragraphs by saying that it is possible to find love at any age. Granted, it might be easier to determine what is actual true love and what isn't by the time you're older and you aren't using the word loosely, but that doesn't mean you can't find "the one" in high school or college. That said, you can't expect to find that special someone today, tomorrow, next week or at any point in the near future. If it's something (or someone, technically) you really want, you will get it/them eventually. You just have to remain hopeful and have faith. All I can suggest is to expect the unexpected. That's when the best things in life tend to happen.

Since coming to college two and a half years ago, I've been interested in a few different people, but not for any particular reason other than I thought they were cute and possibly nice. It was never because we had the same interests or because there was a connection of any kind. That's why I didn't bother pursuing any of them, nor did I get discouraged when things didn't go my way (or at least for more than a few hours). It was back to business as usual by the next day. Then three months ago, I met someone, someone that has made me feel... I don't know, "happy" might be putting it lightly, but whatever it is, I've never felt this way before in my two decades on earth.

You can take sappy surveys online that determine whether this person you feel strongly about is "the one" for you, but at the end of the day, only you can make that decision. Maybe you thought you met "the one" earlier on in life and it didn't work out that way, so now you're hesitant to trust your instincts again. Well, coming from someone who doesn't trust many people yet I'm still going with my gut feeling (or following your heart, whatever verbiage you want to use), I can safely say that it's okay to trust those instincts. Like I said at the very beginning, you're just going to know.

For starters, think about that special someone and ask yourself these questions: 1) Do they make you happy? You should feel like the luckiest person in the world when you're with them, talking to them or thinking about them. 2) Is it apparent they make you happy? By that I mean, do your peers pick up on your new-found happiness? Can they sense that same connection? If so, then it's clear that this person makes you feel differently than anyone else can, hopefully in a good way. 3) Do they make you sad and mad? Oddly enough, the answer to that question should also be a yes. If they're miserable, you should share those feelings, and if they do something that angers you (regardless of whether that was their intent), you should be angry. If you brush it off like they don't matter, then they likely don't matter as much to you. They should matter. A lot.

Speaking of which, that brings me to my next question: Are you willing to go through the tough times in order to enjoy the terrific times? No one likes feeling down, but if this person means that much to you, then they're worth it. In all honesty, I'd prefer feeling like crap six days out of the week so I can be happy for that one day I can spend with them. If you asked me that a year or so ago, I would have called you crazy and said no, but it's one of those situations that you can't truly answer until it's happened to you.

With everyone else I've been interested in before, I would lash out when things didn't go the way I wanted them to. I'd blame them and never myself. I'd give up and/or move on without making much of an attempt to make things better. But with this person, I didn't get angry or burn my bridge with them when they told me they were already taking to someone else. I felt disappointed (and still do), sure, but never furious. For one thing, that solves nothing and it never worked in the past so why would it work now, but more importantly because if they're really worth it, you can't give up so easily, and I'm not. If anything, it makes that moment of finally finding "the one" even more amazing because of everything you had to endure up to that point. Where's the fun in getting something (or someone) you want without having to work for it?

In life, you're going to be hurt and heartbroken. It's essentially inevitable. Not taking chances because you don't want to be let down is one way to go through life (and not a wrong way at that), but would you rather be hurt and be happy or not feel anything at all? There's no right answer because it's all about personal preference. You have to be willing to make sacrifices for those you love and care most about. That's life. If you don't understand it now, you will. I didn't for the longest time, but I do now. I don't change for people, but this person changed me, for the better.

Hopefully this was helpful for people asking themselves whether they have found "the one" or not and for people who have yet to find that special someone. They're on their way, trust me. You actively be on the lookout, and that never hurts, but I've found in my own experience that you will fall for people you never thought you would at a time you least expected to. Those are life's greatest surprises, the type of surprises you wake up everyday wanting to have, and sooner or later, you will.