By Graham "GSM" Matthews
SATIRE -- After a historic seven days in the world of wrestling, perhaps the biggest news item of the week was the WWE departure of NXT breakout star CJ Parker. With it being widely believed that he'd be the next to called up to the main roster after WrestleMania 31, this came as a shock to many. Instead, that promotion was given to a lesser environmentally aware Adrian Neville (having no respect for the law of gravity), leaving members of the WWE Unvierse to wonder why Parker was never given the opportunity he deserved to headline WWE Main Event and Superstars.
It was revealed shortly thereafter that the release came at Parker's request to which management sadly granted. He claimed to have done it all in NXT, from losing to the likes of Kevin Owens, Baron Corbin, Solomon Crowe and even the recently returned Alex Riley. With no one left to lose to, Parker took his ball and went home, but also claimed in an exclusive interview with Next Era Wrestling that he wished to take his "hippie ways and go elsewhere where his wishes would be respected."
NXT management spent countless hours attempting to re-sign Parker to a new contract, but with every offer made, Parker refused. Due to this, officials scrambled to find an enhancement talent for Rhyno to squash on Wednesday's episode of NXT with Parker gone, settling on an individual whose identity wasn't and likely will never be identified. The upper echelon of NXT management were disappointed they couldn't sign the former photo bomber to a new contract in time for the show as they felt a loss to Rhyno would have cemented his legacy as the greatest (jobber) of all-time, but their relentless efforts to re-sign the hottest free agent on the market to a deal were to no avail.
Late Tuesday night, Parker controversially claimed to have left the organization not only because he felt he accomplished everything he set out to do, but also because WWE is "anti-environmentalist" and that he was never going to go beyond a level because they thought the message he was trying to send was "too nature oriented."
"I'm a big believer in helping the environment, both inside and outside the ring," said Parker. "But WWE didn't think a hippie would draw money. To that I say, not only can a hippie go green, but we can make green, too!" Parker also called out WWE for having double standards. "They treat everyone with equality, except for the environmentalists. They'll push a girl who hugs people but not a guy who hugs trees. Do you not see the hypocrisy in that?"
As of this writing, Parker is currently in talks with TNA Wrestling, where it is rumored he will debut under the new moniker of CJ "Save the Trees" Barker. With Earth Day right around the corner, look for him to arrive in the Impact Zone sooner rather than later.
All facts in this article are erroneous and compete faction. If you took it seriously, well, joke's on you. Thanks for reading!