By Carson Koschik
WWE aired it's first wrestling program of the new year, and it was pretty shitty to say the least. It was basically one hour of Raw recaps and midcard champions wasting away on a show that nobody watches. The show started off with Michael Cole and the Miz announcing to the live crowd that Punk's status for Raw will be announced later. I have no idea why they announced it to the crowd, as they delivered the news about Punk's knee at the commentary booth. Not like it was a nail-baiter for the crowd. They all knew Punk would be competing against Ryback on Raw. But why make such a big deal about it to the crowd when they even get to hear it?
Anyways, the United States Champion and avid coffee lover Antonio Cesaro interrupted the Main Event announce team to spout many truths about today's American music. To be fair to the US, my country of Canada isn't really helping by giving the world Nickelback and Justin Bieber, so I guess we can just all agree that music today in general is awful, no matter what country it comes from. The Miz (who is clearly going to face Cesaro for the US title) interrupted by doing a terrible Swedish accent. I think we can all agree that there is no difference between heel Miz and face Miz, other than the fact that face Miz talks in a really stupid voice almost all the time. Hey, if it works for Cena, why shouldn't it work for Miz? Anyways, Miz started to go all patriotic on Cesaro's ass and then left to go sit at the announcer's table, because I'm assuming that the Miz is very aware the Cesaro could kick his ass if he wanted too.
I'm not sure Khali even realizes what's happening right now.
We then cut backstage to for an interview with the #1 Contender for the United States Championship (yes, really), the Great Khali. Honestly, I tuned out after Natalya compared the Great Khali to Bret Hart. Hell, I think even Natalya tuned out after that. That is when she managed to hold back the puke that was rising from her stomach. It's bad enough that they made Natalya fart a lot during the first quarter of 2012, but now they make her compare the limbering Khali to the legendary Bret Hart? The only similarity between the two is that they both have stringy greasy hair. Anyways, after Khali, Natalya, and 'Swoggle broke out into a "USA" chants (the irony), the three made their way to the ring so Khali could job to Cesaro.
It's like Kurt Russel's hair from the Thing had a child with a beaver.
The extremely slow and boring match ended when Cesaro hit Khali with an extremely impressive Neutralizer. Cesaro may not look like it, but he is probably one of the strongest men in the WWE (and the nippliest men too). After this, Miz got up and started one of my least favorite things ever: a patriotic promo. I don't care if you're praising France, Africa, or Canada, patriotic promos are the flat out cheesiest and lamest promos you can do. So after this segment, it was pretty clear that Miz will be facing Cesaro for the United States Championship. Unfortunately, it's probably going to happen on Main Event, and not the Royal Rumble (like it should be).
When we return from break, Kofi Kingston joins the commentary booth. After throwing a few jabs at Wade Barrett, Barrett would come out and chastise Kofi for his comments, revealing Barrett as one of the four people who actually watch Main Event, as the only way to here Kofi's comments would be to watch it on TV. In front of what I am assuming to be a very confused crowd, Wade started ripping on Kofi, and giving the typical "I've beat you before" speech. You know you have a stale feud when both competitors trash-talk by bringing up how many times they've beaten each-other. Anyways, Barrett then sent out an open challenge for a gauntlet match, which was answered by Yoshi Tatsu (who was pinned almost immediately), JTG (who got a surprising amount of offense in), and Justin Gabriel (who seriously needs to do something about his hair).
JTG: Surprising fans everywhere with his continued employment since 2008.
After defeating all three men, Kofi Kingston revealed himself to be the last challenger of the gauntlet and would defeat a worn out Barrett. It's kind of ironic how Kofi would take advantage of a tired Barrett after previously stating to the Miz that he never takes the easy way out, but being a total scumbag is kind of the norm among WWE faces (just look at Sheamus). Anyways, Main Event rung in the new year in not so epic fashion, and the only things we really learned are that Cesaro is extremely strong, and JTG is still employed for some reason.
Make sure to follow me on Twitter @SmarkInProgress so you can hear me complain about John Cena in real time!