Akira Tozawa and Rich Swann def. The Brian Kendrick and Noam Dar (Kickoff Match)
For as little direction as most of the Cruiserweights have at the moment, they can always be counted on for fun matches, especially when they're positioned at the start of shows. This was perfect for the Kickoff show in that the crowd was engaged in the action and all four Superstars played their roles well here. Tozawa and Swann gelled well as a team, Tozawa furthered his feud with Kendrick, and Swann was able to build momentum before he challenges for the WWE Cruiserweight Championship on Monday night.
Samoa Joe def. Sami Zayn
This was similar to what we saw from Joe and Cesaro on Raw last week in that it didn't need to be a barn-burner of a bout. In fact, it needed to be the exact opposite with Joe virtually dominating Zayn, and thankfully, that was what we received here. Zayn always looks credible in defeat being the ultimate underdog that he is, so he lost nothing. Joe, on the other hand, continues to come across as the threatening monster heel he should be.
Raw Tag Team Champions The Club def. Enzo Amore and Big Cass
I'm sorry but this company hasn't given me any reason to give two shits about either one of these tandems at the moment. And that is coming from someone who is a fan of both teams. The Club are constantly being beat week in and week out, while the awful promos from Enzo and Cass aren't doing them any favors. The bout was basic at best, and I'm just glad The Club retained their titles. Enzo and Cass can win the belts at WrestleMania, but the moment won't mean as much as it would have months ago when they were still a hot act.
Sasha Banks def. Nia JAx
Their first two matches against each other were essentially squashes, so to say that this match was their best yet really isn't saying much at all. It wasn't much more than a competent contest, though it wasn't terrible. Banks' ultimate victory over Jax didn't look great, but I didn't mind the outcome because Banks hasn't won a match on pay-per-view in seemingly forever. Jax will be fine as long as they don't abandon her push going forward.
Cesaro def. Jinder Mahal
You know a pay-per-view has gone off the rails when Jinder Mahal of all people is in a singles match. Seriously, what the hell was the point of this? I assume Cesaro is back to being a singles competitor, which is cool, but based off this match, I also assume that means he's back to being directionless. Mahal and Amore both achieved the impossible by giving Cesaro either boring or atrocious matches these past few weeks. I honestly could not have cared less about this.
Big Show def. Rusev
Do not take this as me hating on Show simply for the sake of it, but this match was just as pointless as its predecessor. It frustrates me that Rusev is so low on the totem pole after receiving such a strong push last summer. It looks like the rumored WrestleMania match with Shaq and Show might be off from what I've seen, so if I had to take a guess, these two are both bound for the Andre the Giant Memorial Battle Royal at WrestleMania. Also, Show literally knocking out Rusev in the corner was a sad sight.
WWE Cruiserweight Champion Neville def. Jack Gallagher
It sounds strange, but I didn't think this match would end up being the sleeper of the show. Most of the Cruiserweight matches on pay-per-view have been duds, but this what the division should be all about from an in-ring standpoint. It definitely helps that Neville has been booked brilliantly since returning late last year and Gallagher is a terrific worker despite the silly gimmick. Unfortunately, I fear we're headed toward a huge multi-man match at WrestleMania with the Cruiserweight competitors instead of Neville vs. Austin Aries one-on-one.
The New Day Talked About Ice Cream
No, that heading is not exaggerated. The New Day literally wasted time talking about ice cream for five minutes. I would have rather watched a commercial for the WWE Network... on the WWE Network. It isn't even funny how stagnant these guys are at the moment. WWE better have something planned for them following their hosting shtick at WrestleMania because I can't sit through segments like this for much longer.
Roman Reigns def. Braun Strowman
Reigns' ridiculous push still bothers me to no end, but to call the guy a bad wrestler/performer is nonsensical. This was a pretty solid match, and Strowman more than held his own as well. I've been very vocal in recent months about how far he has come in the ring and this match proved that. The dive off the top rope from him was extra impressive, as was the table spot on the outside. I predicted Reigns would beat Strowman clean, but it didn't make me any less angry. Reigns goes on to probably face The Undertaker at WrestleMania while Strowman... uh, I don't know. And that's the problem. He won't be hurt by suffering his first loss, but the aftermath is key.
Raw Women's Champion Bayley def. Charlotte Flair
Of the three title matches these two have since the start of the year, this was easily the weakest one yet. While it wasn't a terrible match by any means, it didn't flow as well as the other encounters, in addition to how we just tend to see the same matches from the women on Raw more often than not without much changing. Dana Brooke being banned from ringside only for Banks to interfere (why wasn't Bayley disqualified after Banks made physical contact with Charlotte?) and cost Charlotte the match was flat out dumb. Sure, the fluke finish protected Charlotte in defeat, but her storied streak on pay-per-view came to an end on a B-level show. A loss is a loss, people, you can't take that back. Look, I wasn't the biggest proponent of the streak, but even I would have waited until WrestleMania to pull the trigger on that. That's just sloppy storytelling. At this point, I would have Bayley clash with a heel Banks for the title at WrestleMania, but I'm sure it will be a Fatal 4-Way with Charlotte and Jax, regardless.
Goldberg def. Kevin Owens to Win the Universal Championship
Despite all the teases from Paul Heyman and Joe earlier in the evening about Owens potentially retaining his title, it was painfully obvious Goldberg was winning when the match started five minutes before the top of the hour. I doubted it would last longer than Goldberg's Survivor Series squash of Brock Lesnar, but I also didn't want Owens losing in under a minute with the roll he's been on as of late. That said, having Chris Jericho distract Owens and cost him the championship was the only logical outcome. In a perfect world, I would have Owens keep the belt because Goldberg vs. Lesnar at WrestleMania doesn't need it, but I can't be too pissed about this finish to Fastlane considering we saw it coming from five miles away.
We have had some lackluster shows from WWE in the past, such as Survivor Series in 2013 and 2015, but this event legitimately sucked. Joe vs. Zayn was well done and I enjoyed the Cruiserweight title match more than I thought I would, but everything else was pure garbage. That last hour was especially awful. I struggle to think of a show that was worse on the whole than this one, at least in recent memory. Needless to say, this was a weak way for Raw to lead into WrestleMania 33, which I will be in attendance for. Here's hoping they got all the trash out of their system now so they can deliver an amazing event in Orlando. That's all I can pray for at this point.